golden_appleWhen I first heard that a Discordian sect was planning on attending AgoraFest this year, I immediately (after first notifying our security of course), posted on Craigslist Personals, under “casual encounters”, the following message:

Eris @ AgoraFest 2016? Is This Just Another Mindfuck? I Hope So! Plz Confirm/Deny ASAP! – Lord President Rosencrantz Merkwürdigliebe, AgoraFest Muckety-Muck

It wasn’t more than 2 or 3 minutes before I received a response:

OK, sure, we’ll be there. Thanks for inviting us! – Alfred Jarry, Ubu Roi of The Green Faced Ones

Now completely terrified, I decided to contact Mr Jarry to find out why he and his cabal are coming to AgoraFest, and whether his intentions are (dis)honorable. Here is the precis, the gist, the sum and substance, the paraphrase of our conversation.

AgoraFest: Why are you coming to AgoraFest this year? Why can’t you just leave us alone?

Ubu Roi: You have nothing to fear from us, unless you are part of Weishaupt’s gang.  Our exact reasons for our presence at AgoraFest must remain unseen for now, however we welcome the attendees to explore opening their third eye with us.

Al tiuj, kiuj portas kostumojn. Ni konas la homojn kun la ora submarŝipo kaj parolemaj delfenoj amikoj.

Au revoir pour le moment,
AgoraFest: A clear warning in any language, but especially so in Ancient Atlantean. Ok I’ll try and find what’s left of my pineal gland. But there is no way a submarine, even a small one, will fit in our creek. If people want to find you, what do they look for?
Ubu Roi: Look for the giant golden apple.  If a giant golden apple can not be found, we are sure Weishaupt’s gang will have lasers from sniper rifles pointed at our tent.  Ni insistas ke spionoj bruligi siajn falsan piramidan monon. Ni akceptas la bitcoin donacojn.

AgoraFest: What, no hempscrip? Are you going to have any particular seminars or activities at your tent?

 Ubu Roi: During the day, the tent is open for any seminars/talks/presentations/performances people want to give, particularly those with a focus on conspiracy theories and secret societies. A a sign up board will be outside.  During the night the tent will be candle-lit and is open for smoking (a few hookahs will be provided).  La fée verte and other spiriteux will be available after the main bar closes.  La verdaj feoj kaj verdaj arboj viglos nin.  Se vi estas fidinda ni povos vastigi vian cerbon kaj sentitaj kun momenteto zen.
AgoraFest: Nothing like a little light enlightenment after a busy day at AgoraFest I always say. I’m reluctant to ask this final question but I suppose someone will want to know – will you be doing any initiations into Discordianism at the festival?
Ubu Roi: We can help anyone see the fnords, but they must ultimately choose to enlighten themselves to succeed.  Ordainment ceremonies are also available for any who wish to become a pontiff, and we will provide wallet sized paperwork certifying their status for the first 23.  Griza vizaĝo, ne vizitu nian tendon!

AgoraFest: Couldn’t have said it better myself. As far as I am concerned, the Illuminati (the Other Illuminati I mean) are not welcome at AgoraFest. We have enough trouble with those that still want to change the system from the inside! Well, hopefully you can help cure some of them of their mental illness. Looking forward to visiting with you, and try not to burn the place down.

Oh, and Hail Eris!

Ubu Roi: All Hail Discordia!  Ni ne povas atendi al vidi kion viaj gastoj faros al ŝi kiam ili vidas ŝin.

 Au revoir,
Alfred Jarry