2017 is, at least in the protestant Christian tradition, considered to be the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation. Today there is a reform movement afoot in libertarianism, due to the corruption of the “original” doctrines and practices of the libertarian faith, which corruption has not only brought the libertarian religion into worldwide infamy and disrepute, but it has also threatened the livelihoods of many of the most vocal and important libertarian priests and elders.
These demonic influences must be stopped, and the faith must be purged of these heretics, devil worshippers, and apostates! I am sure that all of you at AgoraFest will be searching your consciences and I encourage you to seek forgiveness and absolution for your vile thoughts and actions. In order to assist in this holy service, we are honored to welcome to AgoraFest Fr. Johann Lemke, Grand Inquisitor of Heresy to the libertarians in Minnesota, North and South Dakota, and Grand Commissioner of Indulgences.
Fr. Lemke will be offering indulgences that are guaranteed to substantially reduce, if not entirely eliminate, any temporal punishments and consequences of your sins against liberty. The suggested donation will depend on the severity of the sin, but prices start at a mere silver dime, and all indulgences will include very official looking documents and will be laminated for durability. Here is a list of some of the most common sins you shitlords and ladies are guilty of, but this list is not inclusive and Fr. Lemke is willing to provide a custom indulgence for your unique and, shall we say, original, sin.
- Use of illicit drugs
- Smoking your bong in the presence of hotel management “because you are free and can do what you want”
- Using profanity in the presence of women and children
- Bellowing and Shouting all over the campground during quiet hours
- Urinating in Lake Elsie
- Running your damned RV generator in the middle of the night or early in the morning
- Public Nudity
- Cutting in front of the buffet line
- Stinking up the bathhouse with the sulfurous reek of the Pit
Other, less venial sins may cost a bit more, like
- Contributing to a political campaign
- Supporting libertarian candidates so they can “limit” government
- Supporting oligarchs because they are “better than the alternative”
- Wanting to Make America Great Again
- Wanting to make government “more efficient”
- Believing in Democracy
- Believing in the Constitution
- Talking to the police
- Failure to record the police
Note that there are some very serious sins that will require a significant surcharge, as well as a talking to (and possibly a beating with a ruler)
- Enjoying your white privilege
- Arrogance, Sanctimony and generally being a douchebag
- Racism (which is worse than being a genocidal murderer)
- Being a Nazi
- Being a Bolshevik
- Being a Progressive
- Being a Democratic Socialist
- Advocating “Thick” libertarianism
- Accusing other libertarians of being racists, Nazis, or bigots
- And many more!
Fr. Lemke will be present at all times during AgoraFest to provide you with temporal and spiritual comfort at prices every sinner can afford. He most likely will be dressed in black and will have signs saying “Do You Wanna’ Get To Heaven?” and “Sinning = #Winning”. Remember that you can also purchase these indulgences for others as well as yourself – they make great gifts and, who knows, your purchase of an indulgence may not only keep them out of Purgatory, but also prick their conscience and motivate them to get right with Mises.
Right. Now don’t do it again!
To learn more and to sign up for AgoraFest 2017: